drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
