I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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