You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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