I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
