last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
