if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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