The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
