Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
