I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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