it hurts more in the daytime
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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