ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Randomize
