I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
