i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
