sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize