moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.