Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
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I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
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Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.