You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
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HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
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I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.