guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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