Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
