I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
