I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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