So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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