i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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