Porn is love you can see.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
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Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
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He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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