I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
