I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
