I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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