If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
