I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize