one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
