Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
