the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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