why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
