Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
