I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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