Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
