i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
