Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
