STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
