Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
