Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
