dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
