i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
