I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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