god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
