He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
