Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
