I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
