you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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