The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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