Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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