I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I think your dad took our porno
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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