just come out here and I will go home with you...
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
