hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
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