An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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