Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
splinters make it hard to masturbate
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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