This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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