My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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