Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
